I WISH I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW

Now I understand what he was trying to say. He was really telling us, “you pathetic fools have no chance. The plan has already been made. The people who are the children and the friends of those who hold all of the power will make it to the top and the rest of you will have to lick our boots and hope that you will gain entrance into our fraternity. Even then, you will never really be one of us and we will constantly remind you of this. The die has been cast, the plan set in motion. Save yourself while you can.” I wish on my life that I had understood then what he was trying to tell me. Ben looked at me. He looked me deep into my eyes. It was as if I had said something that he knew deep inside for years but could never face. This was a truth too painful to face after the sacrifice that we had made.“What happened to me man? Really. What happened?”“Life happened,” Ben replied cautiously, not wanting to offend me or kill my high. We looked at each other and laughed feeling there was nothing else more appropriate at that moment. He was sensitive enough to know that this was not a conversation; it was Hank’s therapy. "I did everything that I was supposed to do. I did real well in high school. Got myself, and you know what I mean when I say myself, into a good college then a great law school. I was full of hope for the future. I could only see a golden path free of obstacles ahead of me. Then, when I get there I think I’m just going to follow the rules, get with a good mentor and work hard. I was willing to work as hard as they wanted in exchange for mentoring, training, experience and upward mobility. Man, they sold us a bill. A god damned bill of goods for a big, heaping, steaming pile of bullshit. I did get a good mentor but a few months into my time as a well paid associate…oh, did I tell you that I started at $150?” “No, that’s great man. You’re worth every penny.” Yeah, that’s what I thought. “Hmm,” I grunted, with disgust.
“I had negotiated by playing the firms that were competing for me against each other. I felt pretty good about pulling that off." I looked across at Ben and smiled and then looked back down at my beer. "Anyway, a few months into the associate thing I realized it was all just a game. One big game! I saw the same petty competition as in law school. It was like being hazed. The senior associates looked for every opportunity to humiliate junior associates. The partners preyed on everyone, stomping along the gilded, plush halls looking for someone to pick on. And the thing that sickened me the most was the way that associates seemed to line up for that abuse. I couldn’t understand it. Is this what we went through that entire college and law school struggle for? To be hazed? Privately I was very disappointed but I still wanted to get that gold ring so I started to play along. I ingratiated myself with the most influential senior associates and partners. I could do it more easily than many of the others because doing good work came easy for me and for the most part the partners and senior associates were lazy. They were always on the look out for super talented fresh associate blood to steal work from and call it their own. But the other associates were the worst. Part of their program to kiss ass and ascend the ladder at any cost involved trying to destroy other associates. I once had another associate steal a brief that I had written and claim credit for it. We were at a departmental meeting when it was exposed I was so shocked that I couldn’t even respond. I just sat there and shook my head in disbelief. Anyway, I knew that I would just make things worse by calling him out. So I started looking over my shoulders even more after that. I got in earlier than everyone else and stayed later so that I could work in peace without having to do office battle with the other associates all of the time and lick the asses of the senior associates and partners.