LONLINESS

By the end of my 12 hour shift, I was mentally exhausted from sitting in front of the computer for so long. My back ached because I had to distort my posture constantly in an effort to find a comfortable position in the metal folding chair. At my old firm I was used to comfortable aero-designed chairs. This was nothing like that. Since I had decided not to partake in the pizza party I was beyond hungry, I was starving. The room had quieted down a bit as the time got later. People seemed to wind down like wind up toys on the last few turns of their key. For the people who had been doing this for a long time I wondered how someone could subject themselves to this type of torture for any sustained period of time without losing one’s mind. Amazingly, even after having been cramped in room with so many people I felt lonely. It was as if I was a ship that had lost its course.

Almost all at once the contract attorneys started packing our things like a group of school children responding to the third period bell to change classes. At each stage the experience became more and more humiliating. I proceeded slowly, hoping that the old guy next to me and the former stay-at-home mom across from me would leave before I did, allowing me to avoid any interaction with them. This was the one thing that went my way for the entire day. I got up from the metal folding chair and stretched my aching muscles. I groaned in pain as my muscles contorted searching for their normal position after twelve straight hours of sitting in an uncomfortable position. I logged off of the computer, straightened my stack of papers and then reached for my suit jacket on the back of the chair. I lifted the jacket lightly but the hem was stuck to the floor. “Oh my God!” I half yelled. The contract attorneys still remaining in the room turned to see what was happening. I could not believe it. My jacket was ruined. There was carpet glue all along the bottom of my jacket and I was sure the dry cleaners couldn’t get it out. I nice-looking lady who looked like she was also a recent law grad stepped over to me tentatively and asked if I was ok. I didn’t even respond. I just stared at my ruined jacket and eventually, unable to get a response from me she walked away.

When I got home to my condo I was relieved. Home never felt better. Here it’s cool and there are no foul odors and no stupid contract attorneys and pompous associates and paralegals to deal with. The only problem was that for the first time I was alone. My fiancée was gone and I had no one to talk to. I wanted to talk about my day; what I had gone through; ways to get myself out of the muck that I was in but by my own selfish acts I had chased a great woman away. Even the way I handled the situation after she found out was stupid. There was no excuse for what I had done and I shouldn’t have tried to make up any. I was a jerk!

I grabbed a cold beer from the refrigerator and took a gulp. The alcohol went straight to my head since I hadn’t eaten in hours. As I sat on the white sofa that my fiancée insisted that we have, I felt needier than I ever had. I had to; no I needed to talk to someone.

The only person that I could think of to call was Ben. I called him up and asked him if he could come over to watch a game of hockey. It was something we both were passionate about so I figured he wouldn’t say no. I surely couldn’t tell the guy that I wanted him to come over so we could talk. His response was muffled, as if he was eating, but he agreed to come over. I chugged almost half the beer in one long gulp and let it settle into my blood stream. I began to feel better. As the alcohol mellowed me I stretched my arms across the top of the white sofa, beer in one hand and the other hand laid open to the ceiling above. From that vantage point I could see the beautiful chandelier in the dining room that my fiancée and I had picked out. Slowly a feeling of warmth started spreading from my fingertips and my toes up through my arms and legs and then sliding through my organs like a warm massage. I began to miss my fiancée even more then. I wanted sex and there was no one around to make love to.